Lost

I'm feeling a little lost today.

I'm trying to clean my room, but I'm just wandering around aimlessly.

I haven't eaten much today either.

I made some scrambled eggs for breakfast, but only had 5 small bites, before I felt like I didn't want it anymore. I did have a protein shake, so at least that will keep me going.

I'm still very anxious that I'm doing it wrong... or I'm going to break something.

I posted on the Banding Together (they do VSG too) forum about my feelings and lots of people replied saying that I was doing everything right and not to worry. My body is still healing, and considering what was actually done to it, I'm very surprised I'm feeling this good.

I've started adding "real food" into my diet. I had some chicken last night. I cut it into small pieces and chewed the hell out of it... but that could be what is causing me not wanting to eat today... or maybe I'm thinking too much into it.

I can't wait to get back to work, but I'm honestly not looking forward to compliments. I hate getting compliments... weird I know, but I don't know how to deal with them. My low self esteem is in full force. I've been told to say Thanks and move on. Plus, I told everyone at work I was having Gall Bladder Surgery... and I regret it. I should of just told the truth. So I will need to deal with that when I get back to work... whether I announce the truth, or continue the lie. I feel like I need to tell the truth and who cares what people think. I actually want to promote the fact that I've had it done. I'm not ashamed of it, and I want to help promote it, it's a life saving operation for some, including me.

Yesterday I bought myself some makeup.

I have a bit of makeup already, which I hardly used, and is all past its used by dates. So I've thrown it all out and started again!

I love Nude by Nature. They make natural mineral makeup and it doesn't make my face break out!

They had a buy 3 for 2 sale, so I purchased

Natural Mineral Cover

Undercover Airbrush Mineral Primer

Liquid Mineral Foundation

I also bought Australis Eye Pencil in Brown

I'm usually a black eyeliner wearer... but I decided to try brown, it's not as harsh, I really like the result.

I also bought some Bio-Oil to help with my surgery scars and stretch marks. It smells so good!!

I guess I should get back to cleaning my room!

Thanks for listening to me :)

<3 Molly

I Survived :D

Hey Everyone!
Sorry for the lack of posts.
My surgery went well, no complications.
I was out of hospital after 2 nights, and was up and about straight away.
The 10 nights staying in the hotel was hard. I was very emotional and exhausted.

My post-op appointment went well. Wounds have healed with no infections... I'm so surprised how quickly I'm back into it, considering how drastic the surgery was. It still hasn't really sunk in that 2/3 of my stomach is gone!!!

I currently weight 134.8kg. Thats a lost of 6.4kg from surgery, and 16.5kg lost in total since August 29th!! I feel amazing!

I took some photos and when I compared them to my photos I took in August, I cried. You can really see the difference!

Thanks to everyone for their support.
Know I have to teach myself to eat again :D

<3 Molly

Done!

It's done!
I still can't believe it!
It seemed like something that was so far away from happening, and now that it's done, I really can't believe it.
I'm out of hospital, and well. I'm uncomfortable, but nothing more than having mild cramps, I had some issues with my lungs, but they're all good now.
I'm very tired, and need to keep on top of drinking fluids.
Stay Tuned

24 Hours To Go

In 24 hours, I will be sitting in a hospital bed getting ready for surgery.

I'm freaking out!
Mum and I are driving up to Perth this afternoon.
I'm working on one thing at a time.
I'm only focussing on getting to Perth,
Then sleeping
Then getting to the Hospital etc.
I'm not going to focus on the surgery.

I updated Minecraft on my laptop.
I have lots of tv series to watch.
I have books on my ebook reader
I have my Nintendo DS.

I think I'm more stressed about being away from home for so long!
I won't be back until October 6th... if I get the all clear.

Stay Tuned.

<3 Molly

Stress!

Starting to stress out... a lot!

Yesterday was super busy, up to Perth 2 appointments and then drive back.

Tomorrow we drive back to Perth, but this time I'm not back until Oct 6th.
I think that's what is stressing me out the most!

I'm so scared.
Yesterday I was told about what is going to happen, including the pain, and the risks... one of them being Death... but obviously a very very low percentage.

And I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Which I knew I would be experiencing... It's just a little bit more real, now that the next "appointment" is the actual surgery!

But I'm going to relax.
I haven't really packed, but I'm just going to go with the flow.
There is a washing machine and dryer at the hotel, so I won't need that many clothes.
I don't really know what I'm going to take to the hospital!
Just go with the flow. No external stresses, like worry about forgetting things etc.

In other news. I made it to 10kg lost today. 10.3kg to be exact. 141kg! 1 kg to my next goal, which I've already purchased my reward (scrapbooking stuff).

I'll either be quiet or noisy over the next few days...

Wish me luck!

<3 Molly

Day 13 - I'm Sorry For What I Said When I Was Hungry

Breakfast
didn't have breakfast - I was asleep!

Lunch
1x Optifast Chocolate Shake

Dinner
Chicken Salad
1x Optifast Chocolate Shake

Vitamins
Centrum Advance

Drinks
2 litres of WATER
375ml Pepsi Max

--------

I keep forgetting to take my vitamins!

I slept in this morning... and it was good! I got up at 11am and didn't feel like I over slept... I guess thats thanks to the less energy I'm ingesting.

I found this on Pinterest, and I need this as a badge, or a t-shirt or something! It pretty much sums up my life at the moment!

I've been sorting out all the tv series I have on my hard drives, I have the same things on multiple hard drives... now I have a 1TB hard drive full of tv shows, so at least when I'm stuck in Perth for 2 weeks I will have something to do!

I'm still more stressed about the staying in Perth, than the actual surgery.

<3 Molly

PUREED FOOD!

The thought that I will have to spend 3 weeks eating pureed food has just hit me! I hate "soft food", I hate the texture... what am I going to do!? I was reading on the internet and they suggest one meat meal... pureed meat!!! GROSS!!
I may have to live on mashed potato, pumpkin, sweet potato & carrot... or learn to like baby food!

<3 Molly

Back To Work

I'm back to work tomorrow, after 2 weeks off.
It feels like I've been away from work for months, it's very weird.

So much has happened over the last couple of days. My anxiety has been playing tricks on me, letting me be happy and content one second, then doubting and sad the next.

PMS

I suspect I have PMS.
I had this week off work, and I planned to do productive stuff, but that didn't happen. I've been sitting at home, watching movies and just being lazy... and I feel a little bad about being so lazy, but I'm back to work next week, back into life.

I received and email from my doctor, saying I had to make another appointment with him before my assessment. It made me feel a little anxious... right at this time, right now, I don't want to go to Perth EVER! But I know I will be over this feeling soon.

I sent an email off, saying I'm available in August, so for them to let me know when, and then I'll book the time off work. I wish I didn't live so far away :(

<3 Molly

Tax Return...

I have done some quick calculations and figured out that my tax refund will be enough to cover my assessment appointment with Dr Cohen. It's a 3 hour appointment with an assessor, a dietician and a fitness physiotherapist. It's $500 per doctor... i.e. $1500, and needs to be paid on the day of the appointment.

So I have money to cover that part of the process, now to find money to actually cover the surgery, including $5000 in surgeon fees, and whatever it costs for an anaesthetist, plus all those extra hidden costs, like the VLCD, the price of staying in Perth. (I think I wrote about this in the last post... sorry for repeating myself)

<3 Molly

The 1st Appointment

Yesterday, after being on a plane from Sydney for 4 hours, I had my very first appointment with a bariatric surgeon.
He asked me lots of questions about my health (and was pretty shocked that I didn't have diabetes or high blood pressure or any other weight related health issues). We talked about the procedure... cutting my stomach down to the size of my little finger... and then told me I could quite easily lose 72kg in 6 months! I was in shock... thats 50% of my weight... gone, in 6 months. I don't see how that's healthy... but he reassured me that my body will adapt to the new stomach, very quickly... He told me I had 2 weeks to decide whether I want to go ahead with it. I told him I was ready.
I was given all the information I needed and told that I could have the surgery in 6 weeks if I wanted... but that is not long enough to save up the estimated $6,000 I will need!

I left the surgery.... very excited and scared... but the thing that scares me the most is finding the money... plus money for accommodation while I'm in Perth... and the money for the VLCD I have to do before the surgery. I was told I will have to be in Perth 10 days after the surgery in case there is complications... that's along time being stuck in a hotel room, not being able to do much. I will deal with that when it comes up.

Anyway I'm back from my holiday and I'm exhausted. I was so happy to sleep in my own bed last night, but now my back is sore from sleeping in the crap hotel beds, then coming back to my good mattress... it happens all the time. I will probably do a post about my holiday on my other blog. Stay tuned for that :)

<3 Molly

Goals

Weight as of 1st July 2014 = 153.3kg
Goal #1 - 140kg
Goal #2 - 125kg
Goal #3 - 100kg
Goal #4 - 90kg
Goal Weight = 88kg (just because I like 8s)

When I reach under 100kg I'm going to get a tattoo! I don't know what I'm going to get... but I have awhile to decide!
I'm very excited about the prospect of going into a store and buying clothes, not having to go into the plus size section! I worked out, that at 88kg I should be a size 14/16. I'm a 24/26 at the moment! I have big hips, and probably will always have big hips, even when I lose weight. I'm very excited.

<3 Molly

Midnight Tears

Last night, while I was lying in bed, I had a little cry. A cry because I was thinking about being skinnier... and I've never been skinnier... I've always been fat and it was all a little overwhelming.
I know it's going to cost me a lot of money, but in the long run, it's the BEST THING EVER I could do for MYSELF!

I no longer care what others think or say about my choices, I even considered announcing my upcoming surgery on Facebook, but I will wait until it's a little bit more finalised.
I have 12 hours of sick leave at work... definitely not enough for 3 weeks off... GREAT!
I did ring my insurance company, and I will be fully covered for hospital expenses in a private room... but not for surgeon and anaesthetist fees... which is going to be the most expensive... I'm hoping that at this appointment on the 11th July, I will be able to get some actual costs.
After I get back from holidays, I'm going to head to the bank and see if I can get a personal loan or something similar... But who knows how I'm going to get this money!

I've started to look into diets to shrink my liver, because that is something that is really important to do before surgery, which will help heaps. This article is very informative!

I have also turned my Fat Geek to Fab Geek tumblr into an inspiration blog! Check it out HERE!

 

Phew! Crisis Averted!

The health insurance issue has been sorted. Dr Cohen works from 2 different hospitals and one of them is covered. Phew!

The next step in my journey is to ring my insurance company and ask them how much they cover, how much I will have to pay... medical gap shit! BLERGH! They make it so hard. If you make it to the end, they realise how much you want them... thats the idea, isn't it?!?!

I told my dad about my plans, he's supportive, but scared. I'm scared too, but I need this, and it's going to happen! Do you know what is causing me the most anxiety? Being away from work for a long period... I have estimated I may need about 3 weeks off for the operation and recovery :( Also the money is an issue... I'm aiming to save about $7000, but thats a high estimate.

I have just sent off emails to cancel my subscriptions to Nerdblock and Lootcrate... that's how serious I am about this! Thats $100 a month I can be putting towards this! plus... they were starting to get a bit shit!

Wow! This is really happening. 2 weeks until my first appointment! But I don't have time for that... I have a trip to Sydney between now and then! YAY!

<3 Molly

Scary!

I received the confirmation email from the surgeon today, about my first appointment, and it was full of information! Including a whole 7 page PDF about the risks! So naturally, being the irrational thinker that I am... I'm freaking out a little. 1 in 2500 die! That's not much! 2500 people is not that many! I know I'm being silly and irrational!

And did you know? it cost $17,000 plus if you don't have private insurance... it costs $10,000 just in hospital fees! and that's in a shared room, but the Hospitals are still crying out for funds etc. What if you need surgery and you don't have private insurance!? What happens then?

I'm going to have to travel to Perth a lot for this. I need to go at least 4 times before the surgery, than 2 weeks after, 6 weeks after, 6 months, 12 month, 24 months etc. Work is going to hate me! BUT I DON'T CARE!

<3 Molly

Stupid Insurance!!

I have discovered, that my private help insurance (which I've been paying almost $100 month for 2 years) has decided to only offer FULL benefits to certain hospitals... and the hospital that I have been referred to, is not one of them! So BLAH!
I guess I'm going to find a different specialist. FUCK THAT! I was so upset when I read it! I'm very annoyed!

In other news... passed the rent inspection! Now I can be excited about SYDNEY! YAY!

<3 Molly

Butterflies & Appointments!

Made the appointment with the weight surgery specialist today! I've had butterflies since I made the call! I'm excited and scared!
It's going to be a lot of very hard work, including pain, and shitty food, but in the end I will feel better.
I understand fat acceptance! I'm so very proud of everyone I see that is happy in their bodies! I tried to fell happy in mine, but I'm not! I really really tried! To except myself, like I am. The rolls, the jiggles... everything... I just want to be less rolley and less jiggly, and I hope my friends can accept that!

Update

I'm really torn between blogging here, or on Tumblr.
There is no commenting section on Tumblr, and my posts can be reblogged as simply as a click! I don't think I want that. So in the next few weeks, I will probably start to move everything back this way... again!


Today I had a doctors appointment to talk about Obesity Surgery, and I now have a referral to a specialist.
I have decided that a Sleeve Gastrectomy is the best option. It's irreversible, but more likely to succeed!
Dr Darcy also took my blood pressure (which was a little high last time) and it's now normal! Which is pretty exciting! I have to get lots of blood tests done, and my cholesterol checked.

I'm a little scared, but excited about the future.


In other, non weight news, I've started my Diploma traineeship at work, and I'm super pumped for it!
I've also started working (at work) doing Inclusion Support for 2 girls with special needs. I get to spend some awesome one-on-one time with them, and I'm in control of their portfolios! It's EXCITING!

Weight Loss Surgery????

It’s been awhile. I’ve been pretty good recently, my weight is up to 153kg, which is a little upsetting, but considering I haven’t been doing any exercise or eating right and have been sick… that would explain way.

I was stalking ex friends on Facebook (which is never a good idea) and found out one of them has had weight loss surgery… it said on her page that she was 77kg! how does 77kg negate weight loss surgery??

I definitely fit the criteria, but I’m scared about it… the money it costs, what if it doesn’t work etc. But I’m ready. I don’t want to be like this anymore.