Anxiety

Last night I had a anxiety attack over food.
I can feel myself starting to avoid food more and more.
It's one of the side effects of weight loss surgery, but it's very rare.
I feel weird even thinking about it.
It's always been an illness you relate to super skinny people.
But it's not, over weight and obese people can get it too.
Food is a very important part of life, especially for me, I'm not capable of eating much, so I need to be even more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth.
So not chips, and chocolates!

I'm avoiding going into my kitchen.
It smells, and there is rubbish everywhere
The dishes are unwashed and the fridge is full of cake, and leftover take away food.
The pantry is full of biscuits.
I'm sure there is food there suitable for me
But it depresses me, that I have to push past all the food I love to find it.
I don't have enough energy to put that much effort in.
And it's not much effort.

Maybe I should just suck it up and clean the kitchen
Not much of the mess is mine. Some of it is.
I feel like I shouldn't have too.
But I feel like that if I don't, it won't get done.

I don't have any support.
I don't want to ask for it.
I shouldn't expect it to just be there.
I can't expect my family to change their lives to fit with me.

<3 Molly

Lost

I'm feeling a little lost today.

I'm trying to clean my room, but I'm just wandering around aimlessly.

I haven't eaten much today either.

I made some scrambled eggs for breakfast, but only had 5 small bites, before I felt like I didn't want it anymore. I did have a protein shake, so at least that will keep me going.

I'm still very anxious that I'm doing it wrong... or I'm going to break something.

I posted on the Banding Together (they do VSG too) forum about my feelings and lots of people replied saying that I was doing everything right and not to worry. My body is still healing, and considering what was actually done to it, I'm very surprised I'm feeling this good.

I've started adding "real food" into my diet. I had some chicken last night. I cut it into small pieces and chewed the hell out of it... but that could be what is causing me not wanting to eat today... or maybe I'm thinking too much into it.

I can't wait to get back to work, but I'm honestly not looking forward to compliments. I hate getting compliments... weird I know, but I don't know how to deal with them. My low self esteem is in full force. I've been told to say Thanks and move on. Plus, I told everyone at work I was having Gall Bladder Surgery... and I regret it. I should of just told the truth. So I will need to deal with that when I get back to work... whether I announce the truth, or continue the lie. I feel like I need to tell the truth and who cares what people think. I actually want to promote the fact that I've had it done. I'm not ashamed of it, and I want to help promote it, it's a life saving operation for some, including me.

Yesterday I bought myself some makeup.

I have a bit of makeup already, which I hardly used, and is all past its used by dates. So I've thrown it all out and started again!

I love Nude by Nature. They make natural mineral makeup and it doesn't make my face break out!

They had a buy 3 for 2 sale, so I purchased

Natural Mineral Cover

Undercover Airbrush Mineral Primer

Liquid Mineral Foundation

I also bought Australis Eye Pencil in Brown

I'm usually a black eyeliner wearer... but I decided to try brown, it's not as harsh, I really like the result.

I also bought some Bio-Oil to help with my surgery scars and stretch marks. It smells so good!!

I guess I should get back to cleaning my room!

Thanks for listening to me :)

<3 Molly

Survival

I survived my first week back at work.
I feel like I haven't had any time off. It was pretty crazy!

I also found out during the week, that a friend of mine had been killed in a car accident. We weren't overly close (I don't have very many close friends in town), but it was still very devastating to me... she had 2 children, a 4 year old boy and an 18 month old girl. Luckily they were with their father at the time. I talked about this earlier in the week... I can't even imagine having to somehow explain to children that old where mummy is... She was separated from their father, but it has hit him really hard too. Their separation was a little messy... but they both loved their children and wanted the best for them, but there was issues... I guess there are a whole different set of issues now.

It's such a tragedy when anyone dies so suddenly and so young... even more so when it's someone you know...

Rest In Peace Little Duck :)

<3 Molly

Back To Work

I'm back to work tomorrow, after 2 weeks off.
It feels like I've been away from work for months, it's very weird.

So much has happened over the last couple of days. My anxiety has been playing tricks on me, letting me be happy and content one second, then doubting and sad the next.

Midnight Anxiety Attacks

Having midnight anxiety attacks.
Heres the story.
We rent. In November this year Albany is celebrating ANZAC 100th Anniversary, and all the accommodation is booked out... I'm stressed that our landlord will ask us to move out so they can rent out the place for the weekend.... I don't think they will, but there is a side of me that thinks they will! We are on a month by month rent agreement... so they could... and they only need to give 8 weeks notice... and because of all the people in town... we probably won't be able to find a new place... STUPID BRAIN!

<3 Molly

PMS

I suspect I have PMS.
I had this week off work, and I planned to do productive stuff, but that didn't happen. I've been sitting at home, watching movies and just being lazy... and I feel a little bad about being so lazy, but I'm back to work next week, back into life.

I received and email from my doctor, saying I had to make another appointment with him before my assessment. It made me feel a little anxious... right at this time, right now, I don't want to go to Perth EVER! But I know I will be over this feeling soon.

I sent an email off, saying I'm available in August, so for them to let me know when, and then I'll book the time off work. I wish I didn't live so far away :(

<3 Molly